One thing my father always tried to prevent was me and my interaction with boys! lol I was wayyyyy too hard headed to ever listen to anything him or my mother had to say but boy do I regret it! I wish I could go back in time and change so many thoughts, choices and decisions I made growing up. I had four major fuck ups with boys. The first one started when I was only 17. At this time, believe it or not, I wasn’t allowed to date. Yeah weird right? Every relationship I ever had I hid it from my parents and I pretty much got away with it. I loved hiding my relationships. It was fun to me. It brought out my rebel side and I was good at lying so why not keep doing it?!
My first ever heartbreak was with Xavier. I was 17 years old. A junior in high school whose life was crashing but I was worried about a boy who didn’t give a fuck about me. Who dropped out of high school. Who was 19 years old with a charger so that fascinated me and who also sold drugs. I knew he would buy me whatever I wanted! I was young minded and didn’t know what I was doing. Did I think he really loved me like he said? Did I think he really cared about me? Yes! I knew he loved and cared about me and anybody whoever questioned it, got fussed out. Wasn’t I a fool. I had so many other things to focus on besides Xavier. One day, enough was enough. He broke my heart like no other. Myvery first heartbreak. He cheated on me with another girl and I didn’t blame him. I blamed her. I bashed her name, I tried to embarrass her like I felt embarrassed. I never forgave Xavier. He moved on with his life and I moved on with mine.
I promised myself I would never make that mistake ever again of letting someone play me or belittle me like I was a fool! After that heartbreak I became a savage. Every guy that wanted to deal with me had to feel my wrath. I was never nice. I was playing hard to get. I was the one breaking hearts now. I had more than one guy calling me, texting me, or trying to “chill” with me. They all got the same treatment. No one was special. I didn’t want any of them and I played games with all of them until I got bored and until I was finished. The summer of 2015 I was finished when I met Mal. Mal was just like Xavier. Drug dealing fool BUT Mal didn’t have a car 😦 he was sweet at first and real chill. I thought we could’ve had something until all these females popped up out of nowhere with accusations that they messed with him and all this other crap. I wasn’t stunting it! I was transferring to a university in the fall. I knew I would be surrounded by many more fish in the sea! Mal will later pop up in my life down the line though.
Transferring to a university was going to be the best and worst experience of my life. Getting situated with the new environment, new people, NEW BOYS!!!! I was now 20 years old and still going through boy issues. My biggest issue was about to start little did I know. When I first got to my university I was exploring. Nothing was holding me back from finding the boy I wanted. There was no stopping me. There was Edward and James. I met both of them around the same time and I just couldn’t decide who I liked more but once I found out James had a girlfriend. I cut him off no questions asked then I was left with Edward. It was weird at first but he was mad cool after awhile and he wasn’t clingy. (I can’t stand clingy boys). Later on, a friend of mine told me that Edward had a girlfriend back home too. I never questioned him about it. I just cut him off as well. Then there was Lorenzo. I met Lorenzo through a friend and boyyyy did I really like him! He was a football player. I had to say football players weren’t my thing back in the day but Lorenzo was changing that thought for me. He always came over, always called and texted. He was always there just like I liked it! Then one day I made the biggest mistake of my life. Me and Lorenzo wasn’t official, but some people knew we were a thing. One night I went to a party and I came back with a boy and cheated on him. I felt so bad and when Lorenzo found out I felt even worst. It was tough. A couple of his close friends knew what I had did and I couldn’t handle the pressure of my mistake. I tried to make it up to him but I knew he didn’t trust me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. We hung out a couple of times after that but it was different. I knew things weren’t the same so I gave up trying. All I know is no one could top the next piece of work I was about to fall in love with.
Soooooo I met Spencer in the fall of 2015 later in the school year and as soon as I saw him I fell in LOVE ! I asked my friend about him and she told me he was off limits but uh, ya girl didn’t like that answer so I dove in anyways! I don’t take no too lightly. My first motive was to get him to notice me and I couldn’t do that at this party especially since he was drunk. -__- I got his snapchat from someone and I followed him once I was back in my dorm. He followed me back instantly but he still didn’t know me or even know my name. That follow wasn’t enough. One of the guys I use to talk to, James, threw a party one night. It was actually supposed to have been a get together that I was dragged to by force. That little get together turned into a big ass party. Next thing you know my dear Spencer walked through the door and he looked good as hell! I knew I had to dance with him! I was dancing all night but those other fools won’t hitting on nothing and I didn’t want none of them. I saw Spencer sitting in a chair so I made my way over there and started dancing but flag on the damn play! This other chick intervened saying how I couldn’t dance with him and her friends were cosigning and making a scene. I walked away and he was pissed. Lol. I didn’t have time for the drama honey. The clique of girls left and he made his way over to me again and that’s where it all started. After that moment that’s when the snaps started happening, the exchange of numbers, texting, and the FaceTime calls. I wasn’t over this fool yet though. I actually was dodging him. What was it? Why was I dodging the boy I was crazy over when I first seen him. Who knows. I think I was still in my player ways. I hung out with him a couple of times but not too many times. I felt like it was too much at first. When my friends first met him they thought him and his friends were SUPER weird. It was quite funny! I never fell for Spencer until after I left that university. He always hit me up and told me missed me and I felt like he cared and was the only person who showed so much love after I left. Thats what I fell in love with. That following school year I didn’t return to school and I stayed at home but I always made my way back to see Spencer as much as I could. I just knew homeboy was the one. He always looked out for me and made sure me and my friends from back home were straight. He never faked on me like my so call friends at my old school. As time went on I fell in love with this man every day. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, watching his snaps, stalking his Instagram page, texting and calling him. I was so obsessed! But why? All because this man said he missed me every once and a while and no one else did? I never really figured out the true reason why I loved Spencer but one thing I did know was he was no good for me. Since we were in two different states he could do whatever and I could do whatever. Me and him were literally the same people we didn’t trust each other and we had a crazy past that we both knew about. Spencer never trusted me ever and we weren’t even dating. We just had a fling. He sent me so many mixed emotions and I wasn’t strong enough to ever let him or our fling go. It was too hard for me. My friends tried to get me to get over him once they saw how hurt I was from the little shit he done and he didn’t even care about my feelings or how he kept hurting me over and over again. That’s when I started to see his true colors. I knew I looked weak but I just couldn’t shake him and I tried to get him to see the good in me and that I only cared for him but he was already damaged from his past and insecurities are a bitch! Being with an insecure man isn’t nothing but torture. You might as well be single no matter how much you love someone. I dealt with Spencer from 2015 all the way to up to the end of June in 2017 when I found out his big secret. Spencer had a whole girlfriend. This man had a damn girlfriend and had the nerve not to tell me and claims he told me. (I know what you thinking. I said I would never go through this BS again!) If he told me why would I even consider being around you! I had never felt sooo betrayed in my life. It all made sense. The signs were right in front of my face. The accusations of messing with other people and the lying. I never wanted to hurt Spencer ever and I felt like he was special. I even wanted him to meet my father and no one has ever met my parents. It was a wrap after that. I stopped talking to him and he stopped talking to me. There was nothing else to say. He popped back up from time to time in the future but I wasn’t breaking my neck for him no more and I felt so different about him from the last time we spoke. I knew that chapter was really over in my life. ❤
My last headache was Chris. Ive known Chris since I was in the 6th grade but I never had a conversation with him until I was 22 years old. Strange right? Ive seen him so many times. He’s even been around my family, but I was never interested to even speak to him. Yeah, he was kind of cute but whatever I didn’t care. One day he hit me up on Facebook and we were chatting for a little and I guess he could tell I wasn’t really interested. Another time he hit me up on twitter and again I guess he could tell I wasn’t interested again. He gave up trying. A couple weeks went by and I finally gave him my number and we would talk from time to time and I actually started to like the kid. It was slightly weird because never in a million years would I think me and the boy I rode the bus with in 6th grade would even like each other. The other weird part was he knew my dad, a little too well. I knew that would be weird as hell telling my dad I liked Chris. I told Chris if he ever wanted to be serious with me we would eventually have to tell my dad but we held off for a little bit. On another note I started to see him more and we were talking more and I knew I liked him way more than before. We started actually dealing with each other at the end of July. Chris got way too comfortable as time went on. He started to get way too disrespectful and I dealt with it because I liked him so much but he never saw his fault in it. He would spazz out and not speak to me and he would blame it on me every time and I always wondered what was I doing so wrong that he would lash out on me. I was dealing with too much again for him to not even be my boyfriend yet. I tried to give him space but that was hard because I wanted to be around him and talk to him every second of the day but it didn’t work that way. I felt so low at this point. Why did I ever think it was okay to let him talk to me anyway and why was he so comfortable to speak to me in such manner? I’m still dealing with Chris and trying to deal with his attitude but now I’m started to think is it even worth the stress?
To answer my question, can we really live without boys? hell yessss! It is way too much stress especially if he is clearly showing signs that he ISN’T the one. I’m now 22 going on 23 in a few weeks and I’m still having male issues. Is this a sign from God telling me I’m just not ready? Or maybe he is telling me to get my priorities in order first? Maybe it’s the fact that I keep choosing the same guys that are similar in some ways? I’m just praying that one day this curse will be broken and I will actually find the one.